


stared down demons

by bygoshbygolly



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Nightmares, ToT: Trick - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 11:10:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8399386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bygoshbygolly/pseuds/bygoshbygolly
Summary: Cisco has that nightmare again.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fenellaevangela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenellaevangela/gifts).



_He’s standing in the lab and Harrison Wells is telling him he is like the son he never had. He’s standing in the lab and Harrison Wells smiles sadly at him and shoves a hand through his chest. He’s standing in the lab and then suddenly he’s not; he’s crumpling, because he’s dead._

Cisco wakes with a gasp and spends a moment remembering he’s alive. Takes a deep breath, because he can. Rests a hand on his chest to feel his heart beat, because it’s still beating, fast and hard and scared.  
He hasn’t had this nightmare in a while. Lately it’s been replaced by nightmares about the singularity, nightmares where Barry doesn’t stop it, and the world ends. He’s still not sure if they’re nightmares or memories of other timelines. He prefers not to think about it.

But this nightmare’s a classic; it never gets old. It’ll probably stay with him forever. He’ll never be able to stop thinking about that other timeline; the one where he died. In a way, he envies the other Cisco. Ok, so he was dead, which massively sucked, but at least he had only died once. This timeline’s Cisco had died dozens of times, and relived the fear and shame and sorrow that preceded that death every time as if it was the first. 

Because he’d loved Dr. Wells—the Reverse Flash—Eobard Thawne too. He’d looked up to him and stuck by him after the particle accelerator accident and STAR Labs had gone under. Dr. Wells— _Thawne_ , he needed to remember that he was Thawne, not Dr. Wells, because he’d killed Dr. Wells and went around wearing his body like some kind of skin-suit, except ok not literally, but it was still really messed up, and. And Thawne had seemed to respect him, _really_ respect him, even though Cisco was (is) young and unprofessional and talked too much. That kind of respect meant a lot to Cisco, who’s used to not being taken seriously, even by his friends. Thawne had been like another ( _better_ , he had once thought, and felt guilty for the rest of the day) father to him, and apparently the whole father-son feeling was mutual, but that hadn’t been enough to stop Thawne from killing him. He hadn’t even hesitated. Just vibrated his hand through Cisco’s chest.

Cisco wonders if there’s a timeline where Wells hadn’t turned out to be an evil time-traveler, a world where alternate-Cisco and alternate-Wells are happy, a world where they respect each other and nobody dies. And then he stops himself, because there’s no point in thinking about those worlds. There’s no point in thinking about the old timeline either, except apparently dying is one of those things that sticks in your brain, even if it only sort of happened. 

Wells— _Thawne_ , damn it—had really messed with them all. He’d created this whole timeline just to get to Barry. And Cisco had just been collateral damage. He’s still not sure if that makes his death better or worse. Like, _good to know you didn’t hate me with the power of a thousand suns, but also wow, it really sucks that murdering me wasn't a big deal_. Oh yeah, and _thanks for giving me a power that lets me relive that murder whenever and acting like it’s some kind of gift!_ God.

He’s overthinking it, he knows, and he needs to stop if he wants to have any hope of getting back to sleep. Ordinarily he’d get up and go mess around with one of his projects, but he’s been running on coffee and sugar and energy drinks for the past seventy or so hours, and he really needs to sleep if he wants any hope of acting like a human tomorrow.

He just wishes he could hate Thawne for what he did. It would be so much easier if all he felt was hate. But it’s mixed up with fear, and under all that he still can’t shake all the good times they had together, the movie nights and the proud smiles and saving the world. Respect. Love. It’s been months since the singularity, and even longer since he didn’t-die (since he got kidnapped by Captain Cold and revealed Barry’s secret identity, and is there no timeline where something awful doesn’t happen?), but his feelings are still messed up. Probably they always will be.

 _Focus, Cisco_. He really needs to sleep. He starts those deep breathing exercises he’s read about, the ones that are supposed to help with anxiety attacks. Breathes in deep and slow, holds it, lets it out carefully. Feels his heart beat under his hand. He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive. 

Eventually, he sleeps.


End file.
